February 1, 1999
It‘s the strangest, decentralized pain
Like someone crushing my chest
I have to exhale, as the pain grips me
The sharpest pain with no source.
I can‘t stand it sometimes, and there‘s no recourse
To prevent it.
Everything I try only makes it worse,
Happiness only increases its intensity
Trying to expose myself to other
Only leads to more pain, suffering, and regret
I want to fix in myself the cause,
Or at least what I surmise is the cause
But every chance is denied me
Sometimes by others,
Usually by myself.
This feeling is intolerable,
The gasping for breath,
For resolution that does not come.
I try to ignore it, but I don‘t want to.
I love the taste of this bitter drink
I have poured for myself
And it is killing me little by little
But I continue to drink,
Reveling in the pain it brings.
Why must I love it so?
March 25, 1999
Majestically, prophetically dancing with the crimson sadness and desire that overwhelms
I catch the love that falls past my lips
and I devour the savoury taste of its fullness
waiting for the next tear of loneliness to overcome the openness I so openly display
behind my wall of self-protection
which I paint a different colour every day, hoping to find the right colour
the colour that satisfies my hunger for lustful companionship
the hope that I wait upon with all of my last intentions
the intentions that wait on the far edge of the shelf
the shelf which waits to collapse
the collapse that will bring all I wait for
the crimson sadness and desire are hopelessly surrounding me
I cannot deny their power nor their inevitable success
and yet I proceed to try
and try again
wishing I could sleep without fear of waking
a dream in which all dreams are real and reality is but a nightmare
She enters the image with her beauty and smooth majestic nature which holds my eyes
She holds my eyes in her hands, but does not know the power
She enchants me until I forget to speak my mind and only leave alone
I hold her in my arms and we embrace, feeling the warmth of togetherness
but She is ripped from me, we scream and She disappears into the darkness
I weep but I never see her again
and can never again find that place where we did not touch, where we were
nevertheless she is not there, but I search
I cannot find her and so walk alone again
I build the wall higher
Crimson Sadness and Desire once again rule
without the Crimson Satisfaction I have never known
The dreams become less and less like reality
less and less real
no longer good enough
reality is not good enough
and the dreams cannot take its place
I try to integrate one into the other, but neither can fill the other
I feel despair at the emptiness of my reality and my inability to dream
Is there nothing left I ask myself
but I only hear the echoes of reality in my empty heart
Music sings to me with a calling to create my own
but again I find myself lacking from my very heart
I cannot create that which I do not already have
I feel music in my soul but I have no way to share it with others
and instead all that they can see is the emptiness, the blackness
which threatens to engulf me at any moment
I do not feel worthy of the beauty which surrounds me, which I covet
I which to know this beauty which I see but cannot grasp
what is its source, what is its purpose
why can I not find it within
I lie upon my deathbed wondering if a cure for the most incurable of sadnesses will come soon
or if I will be forced to close further into myself where I spend most of my day already
May 22, 1999
Lovely, that‘s how i‘d describe it
The sky, her eyes
The sunrise, her voice
I want to tell her,
But she‘s still asleep
Sweet and pure
the morning air, her perfume
How natural it seems
June 27, 1999
india, blue silliness night.
getting slowly milled about the river.
living red above the town
falls to glowing sky again.
July 6, 1999
I held my breath, waiting
but the finish to my wait
did not come.
I tried to open my eyes,
but only blackness could be seen
without and within,
so I closed them again.
Standing along the lines
of contempt and compassion,
allowing the greatest of all falls,
I found myself falling.
But I could not perish
try as I might to find the truth
there was no truth to behold
and so I fell again.
I sighed at the sound of my despair
and laughed at my hoping for hope
The grinning frown forever encompassing
everything I try to show.
Finally understanding the whole of the beauty
knowing how not to feel, to see, to know
and finding the hope in discovering
and the despair in the waiting.
I found my answers, but only the questions that remain
cannot be solved without more time than I have
and so I hold my breath,
waiting to find the truth,
hoping it will find me,
hoarding my compassion,
falling as quickly as I can,
and laughing at the folly in it all.
July 6, 1999
The snow fell in white piles along the shore
making the beach look like it never had before.
We ran across the shining ice that lay upon the ground
Hand in hand, we spun each other round and round.
We danced around the ones standing by, confused
while showing an errant smile toward those less amused.
”How sweet a day and bright the snow is“, we hummed
although the silly snow had left our noses very numbed.
We looked into each other‘s eyes, speaking without words
and our love made us soar far above among the birds.
No one else could understand the joy we felt that day
and how in each other‘s arms we vowed to always stay.