Heart

May 31, 1997

Never before.
Never again.
So many times I've had to convince myself,
tell myself how to feel.
This time is different.
This time I feel with my heart,
instead of my mind.
My heart is in control.

I close my eyes, I see her smile.
I close my ears, I hear her voice.
I close my mind, I feel her near me.
My heart is in control.

To be sure, I've tried to think,
only to end up more confused.
My mind tells me everything is wrong.
Nevertheless, my heart is in control.

She loves me, she loves me not.
She loves me, she loves me not.
One or the other, she has my heart,
and my heart is in control.
She is in control of me.

Another

May 31, 1997

I love her, but does she love me?
It hurts to see her kiss another.
It hurts to see her sat next to by another.
It hurts to see her not be with me.
All things I cannot do.
All things I cannot be.
Why can't I be another?

Would she love me if I weren't another?
Can she love me as I am?
Would she love me as I am?
She doesn't seem the kind to be so mean as to say no.
I think she does, if she knew she did.
I think she would, if she knew she does.
I needn't be another.

Mind & Body

May 31, 1997

To think or not to think.
In my head I feel confusion.
In my heart I feel anguish.
No matter where I look,
my mind & body disagree.

My mind says it's hopeless,
that it's a lost cause.
My heart says it can happen,
if only I would put my mind on pause.

My mind tries to plan every move.
My body decides to improvise.
My mind tries to bring me down.
My body lifts me up.
My mind debates whether this is real.
My body tells me there is no doubt.

I want so much not to think.
I've spent too much time trying to be unreal.
This may finally be the key
to bring my mind & body to the proper balance;
If only I could be a fool,
so my heart could be free.

Exchange

May 31, 1997

For the briefest of instants
I was her.
I could see us as one.
I did not understand,
and it was frightening.

It happened again in an instant,
for longer this time.
I felt a wave of something pass over me.
I collapsed on my bed,
and it went away.
I still do not understand,
but it was wonderful.

Stars

June 4, 1997

Look at the stars.
Listen to their meaning.
They are the past,
We are the present.

Understand their meaning:
No matter how far away you are,
Everything exists.
Everyone remembers.

Nothing is futile.
Even the stars burn;
Not to warm our bodies,
But to warm our souls.

Look at the stars.
Listen to their message.
We are here.
We know you.

Existence

June 4, 1997

Engulfing Flames
Burning
Tempered Heat
Warmly Embracing

Soothing Streams
Flowing
Liquid Cold
Calm Surrounding

Loving Emotion
Interwoven
Integrating Feelings
All Everythings

Integration

June 4, 1997

If there ever was a more splendid device,
It would be the vehicle of thought;
The vehicle of emotion.
The communication of the idea.
The deepest understanding.
The profound oneness.
The single sharing of a dual being.
The most wonderful wholeness of everything.
Unified, everyone.  We are eachother.

Broken Glass

June 4, 1997

Why must we hurt the ones we love?
Why must we be so cold?

We deny our thoughts and emotions.
We tell ourselves we don't care.
We know better.
We deny ourselves and eachother.

Why must we hate?
Why is hate so essential to love?
Why is love so essential to hate?

We live on false pride and false honour.
We believe we are right unless we are wrong.
We think that some things can't be fixed.

Whole things should not stay shattered!

Senseless

June 6, 1997

All I can see
As I look around,
Is everyone's blindness.
Why can't they see?
Why can't they hear me?

I try and tell them,
But they don't seem to hear.
What is their problem?
Why can't they hear?

And I yell and I scream
About the injustices I see.
But no one cares,
No one but me.

Butterfly

June 6, 1997

What greater affliction than this,
My secret pain?
That it should foresake me to the thing I love,
And the key to another's.

What worse disability than that of
mental and physical handicap,
where the mental cannot be cured until
the physical is annihilated?

Can I escape this blemish
that discourages myself?
Perhaps a metamorphosis in both
idea and shape shall cure this imperfection.

Ground Zero

June 7, 1997

Here is the time
When all the best made plans are laid to rest
You try so hard to help yourself
As well as others
And all they do is stamp you out
the bigger, the stronger, the mediocre minded
all accomplishments are for naught
all is erased, all is forgotten
Why must we hurt eachother?
The tears fall,
but we don't notice.
We just continue to degrade
the pacified among us
We say we don't care,
but we really mean we've given up trying
to fight a hopeless battle
The wrong will win,
The right will perish
The wrong are always stronger
And the strong will crush the weak
The weak will perservere
to be crushed again and again
striving to climb to the top
only to be deprived the victory of reaching the peak
WORSE!  All communication must cease!
What is one without all others?
He draws his strength from the repair of others
When this is denied
only inward can one turn
and what but emptiness is there?
Noone wants to start a conflict,
nonetheless, many do.
Those who defend themselves
always get hurt
Defense is the war of the weak
and the weak must perish
only to defend again, and again, and again.

Indifference

June 7, 1997

I don't care.
You can yell at me,
I will not respond.
You can throw things at me,
I will not flinch.
You can restrict my excursions,
I will still think.
You can hurt me,
I will continue.
You can KILL me,
I will live.
I DON'T CARE.

Still

June 7, 1997

You will not win
You will stifle me
You will hurt me
I will continue to speak
I will continue to act
I will perservere
I will win

Just Like You

June 7, 1997

That You should think I would do such a thing
consciously, planning.
To the contrary, It was a reflex,
A defense.
At home is no different than at school;
attacked from all angles,
I am always on guard
You taught me to defend myself
All this I learnt from you
Moreso than either you or I know
I have become just like you
Maybe that is why you hate me so
In part because you hate yourself
and because you hate what I will become
I don't want to be here
but I am
Here we are just like you

Animal

June 7, 1997

I'm sorry if I was rash
It wasn't my choice
I was cornered,
and just like the gentle animal
that is backed into a corner,
I lashed out blindly in all directions,
hurting everyone, even myself.
like the animal, I knew not of what
I was doing, while I was doing
Now I know, and I am sorry
Please forgive this gentle animal.

True Beliefs

June 7, 1997

“My life is truth,
and truth my greatest passion”
If God be truth
Then so be it
If fate be truth
Then so be it
Wherever truth is
There shall I ever be.

Blindness

June 9, 1997

We cannot see where we are
In this darkened tunnel.
There are no headlights
That illuminate this invisible future.
I can hear objects ahead,
But cannot identify them.
They could be a blessing,
It could be the gates of hell.
But I cannot tell
What lies ahead.

Knives of Adrenaline

June 9, 1997

These knives of adrenaline
Pierce my heart,
And rip my soul.
I feel all emotions at once,
Though I am emotionless.
I cannot stop thinking,
Yet I mustn't think.
I am compelled to fix everything,
When I can't even heal my own wounds.
These ragged wounds.
left by years of pain and joy.
left by these knives of adrenaline.

Images

September 23, 1997

Images in my mind.
I see them when I close my eyes.
Images of you.

Images of your face.
Your krystal eyes,
Your wonderful smile.
Images of you.

The more I see you,
The more I need to see you.
These images follow me,
These images of you.

Effect

September 25, 1997

The wholesome sweetness of your intellect
devours my conscious control;
Overpowering my awareness into
a deep fasting lull.

You steal the fragile structure
of my perilous mind;
melting it in your warm hands
like sincere parafin wax.

The volatile fullness of my understanding
crumbles under your exposed richness;
Dissolving into the million infinitesimal points
of your beveled crystal being.

They

September 28, 1997

They say things
but they do not listen
They make things
but they do not use them
They are ignorant

We are here
to do what we please
but to remember this
is more than others do
They are foolish

What are we doing
sitting by the phone
waiting for the beginning
that will end all
They are patient

Search

September 30, 1997

Senseless courage overwhelms my shadowed self
destroying all I have miraculously sought
in vain to take from the pleasurable mystery of
nothing and wonderful everything

Us and We

September 30, 1997

Us and we
together could be
so wonderful
imponderable
our relationship
liken to flip
funny and forever
always together

Wither

October 1, 1997

Look where we are
at what we have become;
fighting what we despise,
we despise ourselves for fighting.
friend against friend
Sister against sister.
over the simple, yet immutable
albeit insignificant portion
of a meaningless beginning,
to a potentially meaningless continuation.
What are we fighting for?
What are we killing all we love, for?
A simple truth?
or simply a simple self-deception?
Sometimes we should wonder
are there really any wars worth fighting?
Are there really any wars?

Honour Filtration

October 2, 1997

Honour Filtration
Seeps through our deepest souls,
filling the indestructible
mobility of our minds.
the most taxing task
to fulfill others' dreams
with the global sweetness
of the most oblong, coloured time.

Illusions

October 2, 1997

Hidden masks of identity
we wear to hide what we aren't;
physical masks of our untrue selves
displayed on a veiled shelf,
covered with centuries of dried-up dust.
open the cupboard -- inside
you'll find all of our intentions,
rotting away like the decayed lives
they are told to represent.
We forfeit our pretenses just to be whole,
only to find that all is real and
real is not.
To find the yellow caress of being,
we must wear the torn masks,
illustrating passions of deep understanding
although we understand naught.

Honour Elite

October 2, 1997

There are those,
The bitter sweetness
of which only time can swallow.
They are among us,
the honour Elite
It is them we should follow.

They understand the meanings
of subtle touching things
like colour, taste and kind
yet their permeating message is ignored.
when all else fails,
who to turn to but
the eternal smoothness of
the honour Elite.

Disintegration

October 2, 1997

Diligently working
like ants in a trade
following their open desires.
Like leaves on a fall tree
falling towards their closed destiny.
Always existing, forevermore,
nevermore, in our mind's eye.

Completion

October 2, 1997

Your beauty surrounds me,
warm like the ecstatically summer sun.
The caress of your presence feels
whole and softly complete.
Words from your mouth comfort
and protect me from the buffeting winds
of reality.

loss

October 2, 1997

I cry tears of mournful sorrow,
for the crystaline dream I have
watched from afar
has shattered when I dared
to touch it.
The innocent beauty is gone,
for I was looking at the vision
from the wrong direction;
cloudy by mine own faulty vision,
I have lost the one thing I did not have.

Annual

October 3, 1997

All is lost
and nothing is gained
for all was gained
before nothing was lost.

Too late, Too late.
To lose heart,
or lose another's.
Too late to gain,
Too late to lose.

I've known too long
to stop so soon.
It's too soon
to have known so long.

One

October 4, 1997

What is one to do,
When that which one holds dear
does not hold one dear?
Instead, another is held,
leaving one alone, alone, lonely.

One's breath is taken,
One's sight is forsaken.
Whatever is one to do?

Is one to be loved?
Or forgotten?
Or perhaps befriended,
When one wants so much more.
Perhaps one should flee...
Perhaps one might persist...
One might be forced to decide...

Revelations

October 5, 1997

These autonomous convictions
of external faults
are ripping me to shreds,
spreading discourse throughout my veins
and splitting my mind in two.

This blind confusion
quickly dissolves all of my pretensive understanding
and gnaws away at foreshadowed destruction
revealing all meant to be concealed,
leaving my self open and exposed.

Ownership

October 6, 1997

I'm in no mood for frivolities,
for all of my internal qualities
are in constant disagreement
over your continually incessant
insistence upon our separation
of which I have possesion.

Branded

October 6, 1997

These beautiful images burn in my mind
scorching my innermost desire
to be near you
into a deep, scarring brand
which cannot be removed.

The brand has been set too long,
the scar cannot heal,
This love is too deep
to ever be dissolved.

My love for you
marks me eternally yours,
no matter what I could try
I could never say Goodbye.

Reconciliation

October 9, 1997

You say you want to be my friend,
that I should consider this the end.
But that is something I cannot do,
because of the love I have for you.

My mind is in conflict,
My love tells me to do everything you want,
but you want me to stop loving you.
How can this be reconciled?

Open Knowledge

October 9, 1997

She now knows the seriousness of the disorder,
It feels so much better to be open,
rather than hiding who I am.
The question is, whatever shall she do?
I pray it won't affect her good impression,
our friendship as well.
I know how much she hates persistence,
repeatedly she's made that understood.
But I do not know if I can just stop!
Something so deeply into
cannot be so readily escaped.
Sometimes it takes a while
to find your passage out.
Understand me...

Foolishness

October 9, 1997

I have been revealed,
for all I am,
and all I want;
Both for myself and others.
I understand better,
now that others understand.
Supported too late,
my own stubborn cowardice
preventing my ultimate happiness.

Hopeless (Feurigen Zunge)

October 22, 1997

hateful, disgusting, fiery mouthful
burns from within
destroying all fought for
perishing cares, wants, desires
why bother?

Here

October 27, 1997

Sometimes you just stop to think
and realise you're not thinking at all;
Until you find you think more than most
and keep you mind open too much.

Perhaps one should close one's mind,
but then you might miss too much
and not hear anything at all;
Is it better to listen but not hear,
than to not listen at all?

You can learn and know but not understand,
so do you really know what you know or
are you ignorant of your knowledge?
If so then are you incapable of understanding
a knowledge you are unaware of knowing?

What are we doing here
wandering free, chained to the stage
Understanding nothing, knowing all
finding everything we are meant to find
and nothing that we want.

Cautium

December 2, 1997

What truth is there
that betrays itself to it's master
besides that which is truly a lie?
For truth indelible cannot be bought,
bartered, or bargained.
It is Indivisible and complete,
But cannot be gained without cost.
For everything of worth cannot be
found but sought for.
What is the use of a war that one
cannot lose?  Nothing can be gained, for
nothing shall be lost.
The purpose of the ideal, the truth, is
its purpose, not the achievement.
What manner of Beast devours and
blackens the human soul more than
a lust for decietful truths?
Destroy the Beast!  Destroy the Beast!
But beware: to destroy the beast is
to destroy oneself.
However, in the loss of oneself, one
gains eternity, and the truths locked inside.

Broken Line

December 13, 1997

Through the shattering glass,
and your attempt to regain power lost,
you lost all power that still remained.
The power was never yours,
created by you, given by you
at birth.
All too young you've released
them as well.
You say you're not wrong
and through your action to prove it,
you do indeed prove you're wrong.
Why can't you read between the lines
that run through the flying saucers
and the merciful sobbing?

Service

December 16, 1997

Afflicted With Hyperuselessness;
That Which I Need Most
Is That Which I Am Furthest From.
I Need To Be Needed,
I Want To Be Wanted.
Noone Needs,
Noone Wants.
What Is This Commodity
That Is In Such Surplus In My Life?
Is It So Abundant?
Is My Production So Inferior?

Reflect

December 17, 1997

Look Into The Mirror.
what do you see?
Are You Seeing Yourself
as yourself or as
Others See You?

Deaf

December 17, 1997

Falling, useless words descending
upon deafened ears
that cannot hear.
Ineffectual thoughts,
hyperbolic conversation
leads to nothing, nothing.
Thoughts that only make sense
to the one who created them,
cannot be shared
for they do not make sense.

All contents Copyright © 1997 Joseph Davies